The Ultimatum

“I’m not going to ask you again Becky”

This was followed by a head tilt and squinting eyes implying;

A) that I should consider myself lucky I was asked at all


B) that I was letting all of my hopes and dreams go with my ‘no’

The no stuck. What stays with me long after that conversation ends though is what is going through this gentleman’s mind?
Not only now and in this exact moment, but later, with this ultimatum mentality, what other behaviours are going to manifest themselves through your need to belittle my no. To try to negate my ability to be clear and concise with my very first fucking answer. To try to incur self doubt when it’s you in fact who’s being rejected.

I don’t care to spend time with someone who can’t respect my no. If the answer to a no is a mental tantrum, foot stomping in the form of threats then you have a long road of learning what it means to accompany a real woman in this life.

God speed


Late night musings on exes social media sites…just…don’t


Hot commodity


I used to put myself on a balance sheet, like a bookkeeper. Assets versus liabilities.
Bad skin-liability

I would decide FOR you if you were going to think I  was worth your time.

Fuck me

Who the fuck cares if you think I’m worth it.
They’re all assets motherfucker.
They’re me.


My body. My life.


Life’s too short
Life’s too short to scrutinize
To pick apart every lump
Every stretch mark and dimple

Life’s too short to compare myself to kids decades younger
To what if and wish
If only I had been on track through my 20’s…

Life’s too short to miss the beauty I possess in my dimples and stretch marks.
Too short to forget how I earned those marks.
Life, my life, has been full of my own battles that leave me as I am today.
As I should be.

Bullets & love


god and the eff word in the same writing…

annie lebowitz


I had a debate about God today.

It was about god. Where is god. Where are we searching for that connectedness, and when we find it, what in the fuck are we supposed to do with it?

We agreed, the idea of a god, whatever that looks like, is within ourselves. Agreed.

The debate came in the aftermath of that finding…

Once we have “it”…

His thought was, you keep it, you nurture and develop. The best thinkers of all time are those who isolated and grew who they were.

My thought; what is the purpose of this growth and development. Do we not keep what we give away. Does “paying it forward” not only enhance the lives of others, but also keep our fire lit for the very thing that keeps our souls sane? We are wired for connection, if that connection can bring light, spread light into the lives of others, then DO SO. This dark world desparately needs to be illuminated. As he put it, if you are lit from within, there is no need to seek out and educate others. They should see it through your actions. Beautifully put I should add. People aren’t smart. A lot of people. They will see what you do, the light you have, and be unsure of how to create a path designed to get there.

I am not smart. I need a fucking map. Burning bushes right in front of me. Floodlights….and even then, I’ll still question and second guess. I want clarity. Step by step instructions. As this friend knows, his fire sparked my fire, through instruction, direction, guidance.

We agreed to disagree, though he made some very valid points. What if they don’t get it? What if they end up resenting you for being “wrong”?

And to that I say; who gives a fuck?

The journey is in the seeking. We don’t FIND God. We continuously search. Forever.





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